Saturday, October 21, 2017

Bullet journal organizer

Bullet Journal Organizater

Sometimes you just need to document moments of your life! 

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Forsaken babies

Forsaken  as a Baby

Yesterday I had a friend tell me her son got a girl pregnant.  She found out her son had ignore the soon to be mother.  She said this little girl already had the baby and I didn't know anything about it!  In dismay and dispair of her son now being a father, but then heart broken for the new mother.  She said I can't believe my son is hear--- but I can believe my son is doing to this little girl what his father did to me when I was pregnant with him! I can't believe I can't believe she nodded her head!

My father left my mother in the worst time of her and his life.  I've never known my father to be in my life.  Other than when he stole me from her and had me for close to two years.  He took me from El Paso and took me to Mexico.   Told me if I wanted to see A movie.  Then I realized on a plane he took me.. to his mother who never knew me.  He stayed two days and went away and I realized not only did I he leave me but where's my mommy?   I was love struck for my daddy when he came around.   Nothing he did was wrong in my heart til he stayed gone.  Even then he wasn't around leaving me around family here and there.  That time was tough my heart throbbed I remembered sorrow and fear.

I remember this deep pain in my chest missing my mother.   Wondering where is my father.  It was intense the weight on my chest and I was only 4 or  5 years old in a strangers home. It was hard to bare.   I think much about that time.   And as adult wonder why.  If you wanted your daughter why would you leave her here and there.  Or was it more, that an innocent child, doesn't understand like vengeance, hatred towards my mother that you felt I would be a great tool to use to torment her?  Was it selfishness children done understand.  Why would my father be like this? Was it about power-- to use your child to do your ex- wife harm? Let's be honest father it wasn't because you wanted to take care of me.  Not even two days later you abandoned me with your mother.  Through that time you can around here and there and never did you have me in your care.  You even had your girl friend have me as you left her with me. Leaving even then.  Why I wonder did you take me if you weren't going to take responsibility.  I wasn't a toy to toss here and there.  I wasn't a burden that weighed you down.  I wasn't a weapon to cause harm!    I was your daughter!   Who adored you!   Saw not faults in you.  Who loved you!  

I think back as I behold my daughter.  How could anyone do what was done to me -- do to their daughter.   I love my daughter a treasure that the Lord allowed me to behold!  A treasure that's more valuable than gold!   Do only appointed to teach me!   She was sent to inspire and lead me!   Oh how I love my daughter when I see her father kiss her!   The days she would wait on the other side of the door as her father drove up!   Desperate long her daddy's hug!   When I see my granddaughter hug her father .   To see them have what I so longed for!   A father!  

  Maybe selfishness blinds the human eye!  That you can't see the gift that's infront of you!  Maybe hatred traps compassion for other!   Maybe youth deceive you that you will always have a time to make things right!   Then your old full of regret of the mess your absents Made.   Not only did you abandon your daughter But every treasure that's was in her.

Now you yearn for your daughter who doesn't even know you!  You now declare I'm your father!   It's funny how you want a reward you never earned!   Just in case you didn't get the lesson the daughter you abandoned now doesn't need you now!   The truth is I never needed you then.  Your absents showed me  that's your presence wasn't important, your love wasn't necessary, your money wasn't worthy, your love was just dirty!   Thank you for blessing me -you taught me plenty..   The biggest lesson is be nothing like you!